Three Beds in One Room
by RainyxDays
Summary: SEX. Just joking.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is a Twilight parody my cousin and I wrote, it's okay. We are not fans of Twilight, but if you love Twilight, that's okay too. We write to amuse, not insult.**

_Overview (I did NOT write this): The story opens with the revelation that Seattle is being plagued by a string of unsolved murders, which Edward suspects is caused by a young vampire that is unable to control it's thirst. As Edward and Bella apply to colleges, Bella explains to Edward her desire to see her werewolf friend, Jacob Black, again. Although Edward fears for her safety, Bella insists that neither Jacob nor his werewolf pack would ever harm her, and she begins visiting him occasionally._

Meanwhile, Alice has a vision that Victoria, a vampire who is hunting Bella for revenge of James, has returned to Forks. A few days later, Edward proposes to Bella and, despite having an aversion to marriage, she accepts.

Bella and the Cullens realize that the murders in Seattle are being committed by an "army" of newborn vampires, controlled by Victoria. The Cullens then join forces with the werewolf pack to combat this threat. As everyone else prepares for battle, Edward, Bella, and Jacob, camp up in the mountains, hidden during the battle, where they are later joined by Seth Clearwater, a young member of the werewolf pack, to wait out of the fight.

In the morning, Jacob becomes upset when he overhears Edward and Bella discussing their engagement and threatens to join the fight and get himself killed. To stop him, Bella kisses Jacob and realizes that she also loves him. During the battle, Victoria tracks Edward's scent to where Bella is hidden in the woods, and Edward is forced to fight. After Victoria and her army are successfully destroyed, Bella explains to Jacob that while she loves him, her love for Edward is greater. After receiving a wedding invitation from Edward, Jacob runs away in his wolf form to escape his pain, angry at Bella's decision to become a vampire.

**Bella P.O.V.**

Seattle is being plagued by a string of unsolved murders. Charlie, because he is SO HORRIBLY OBLIVIOUS, thinks it's a serial killer. I know the truth. I've been talking to Edward a lot, in long, PASSIONATE conversations, full of big words that no one has ever heard of, and if they have...they don't know what it means, and he and Carlisle and Emmet and Jasper and Alice and Rosalie and Esme are thoroughly convinced that it is a young vampire that is unable to control its thirst. Edward. He's so...perfect. I'm lying right now on my bed thinking of his copper eyes. They are the color of giraffes and so cold and passionate. I read some of Wuthering Heights for the 10845746537468468743th time, and wish it wasn't raining so that when Edward comes over later we could lay on the grass and watch him apply glitter and sparkles and stuff, to enunciate his sparkling in the sunlight. He does that. Sparkles. It's so pulchritudinous. Edward is the only one who believes I didn't look that up in a thesaurus. Because I didn't. Seriously! I use large words.

Suddenly I hear a little knock knock knock on my window and drop everything on my way to let my little vampire love in through the window. Once again once again once again, I am overcome with emotion upon seeing him. LOVE, because he is beautiful. There is also PASSION, because he is so controlling and passionate. And then FRUSTRATION, because he has just gotten back from leaving me for a long time because he thought it was best for me. I stand there staring at him for twenty minutes, trying to decide on one feeling, and then I walk over and sit on his lap. He has taken a seat in my rocking chair, because he is fatherly. Not in a creepy way, you know, but in a passionate way.

"Bella," He says. I watch his perfect marble-y mouth. "There's more news about the Seattle vampire."

"Really?" I let him touch my face because he thinks it's interesting. It feels nice because his cold hands are like rock.

"Yes." I start crying, and he touches a finger to my tears and eats them. He makes a thoughtful face and I roll around giggling unenthusiastically. "Go stand over there." Edward demands, and I get up and go sit at my computer chair. I understand. I do. He is overcome with the desire to kiss me when I sit too close, and if he kisses me then it's like killing me. So I understand. He needs to keep himself under control. But it's so hard not to go sit on his lap and kiss him! He is so beautiful. My mouth opens and closes and from somewhere far away, a person makes little "mahh mahh mahh" sounds. In my room, Edward tells me about the Seattle Vampire.

"...well. It's killed three young people. And maybe another! It is-"

"Don't call it "IT" Edward! Vampires are people too!" I cry out. It hurts me, to see him so disappointed in himself.

"But it is a monster. And so am I. I'm a monster, Bella, and you shouldn't associate with me I'm a monster. I can kill you with one dance step. With one playful punch! With one overly dramatic squirrel leap! I mean. I mean. As if you could out run me! As if you could...out ROLL me."

"But I love you."

"And I love you." He runs speedily over to me and kisses me! I get excited or something? I don't really understand I don't know. He pulls away and looks disgusted. "Jeez." he cries and runs off to collect my mail. "Bella!" he calls from the door. I comb my hair and change my clothes and make sure Charlie is in the front room and knows Edward is here, and let him in. "College applications!" Edward cheers, parading in. I sulk. I don't want to go to college I want to run off and live in a rainforest with the vampires.

"Edward, I want to go to Forks Community College."

"No."

"Edward, I want to go to University of Forks."

"No."

"Um, Edward, I want to go to that random place in Seattle that..."

"No, Bella. It's too dangerous. Seattle is known to have many stairs and random bumps on the sidewalk. You could trip and die, you clumsy, fragile, human. You're going Ivy League. You're going...Dartmouth!" He dramatically rips open an envelope that he had hidden behind his back and holds it out to me with a flourish. I take it. It's heavy. I think of a rock. That reminds me of Edward. I caress the letter, but be careful not to get to intimate because it will become tempted to bite me. Then I open it.

There's a Dartmouth acceptance in there.

"Edward, I'm shocked." I say, emotionlessly.

"Then WHY don't you look it?" He snaps.

I blink my big brown eyes quickly. There are like the eyes of a deer. I'm so plain and unbeautiful.

"Now, ask me how this is possible." Edward says, gripping my face in his cold, cold, granite hands.

"How is this possible, Edward?" I ask, still neurotically blinking my eyes.

"That's enough blinking, Lamb." I stop. Then, he says smugly, "I sent in an application for you. I want us to go to Dartmouth together."

"But Edward...what about the sun..."

"Not a problem! God! Why is it always 'sun this' and 'sun that'? It's not like I blow up in the sun, or wither away to ashes and dust! I just sparkle! Lots of people sparkle at Dartmouth. I won't stand out or nothing."

"You're so perfect, Edward." I say. "Can I go to La Push? Please? I miss Jacob so much it hurts and I cry all night long."

He glowers. It's gladdening.

"Bella! Time's up! Edward, go home!" Charlie calls in from the other room. My eyebrows go down a little, which signifies my slight annoyance.

"We'll talk about this later, my little tub of heroine." Edward says, touching his nose to my forehead.

"I love you." I say, touching his hair.

"You are my life now." He replies, before zooming out the door, like a dove. Well he would, if doves could run at super high speeds.

"Bella! Make me some spaghetti!" Charlie calls from the other room. "Then go make some friends that aren't so beautiful."

I oblige. To the spaghetti.

I love Edward so much; sometimes I wonder why he chose me. I don't know. But I can't wait until I am a vampire and we can sparkle together and I will be almost as beautiful and intoxicating as him.

I mess up the spaghetti because I'm so busy thinking about Edward. So Charlie and I have to have a big block of hard noodles. Charlie doesn't notice because he's too busy adding bullets to his rifle.

"Dad, that's a little off putting." I blabber. "I hate that thing of yours."

"Pah, this isn't for me! It's for you! With all these killings going on, I don't want you to be hurt. So carry it around all the time and shoot anything that isn't human."

"Um...ok." I lie. "I'm going to go visit Jacob."

Charlie lights up a whole heap. He loves Jacob. It's sort of questionable. "Bella, that's great! Go visit him! And try to not let Edward tag along. I don't like the way he is."

"Dad, I'm eighteen. I can do whatever I want. I don't care about your feelings."

"What?"

"Sure thing dad. This is a friend's only visit."

I take my gun and go outside. The sun is so bright it makes the dewdrops on the ground sparkle. I think of Edward. I get in my truck and put in the key. The engine roars to life. I think of Edward.

I think of Edward a lot. What can I say? He's so attractive.

I stop thinking about Edward for .257 seconds to think of Jacob. I like Jacob. He could be a potential boyfriend, if Edward wasn't around.

"Bad Bella," I say flatly, "You mustn't think that kind of is your life now."

The very thought makes me smile. Almost. My eyebrows really just go up a little. I'm so happy.

**Tell us what you think of the story, or about life in general….**


	2. On BFF's and hare brained mothers

[**A/N: Thank you to Smashmo who is awesome! We appreciate it. There are some changes from the original book, probably, but neither of us have read it in a few years, so sorry for that.]**

I get into my truck. It's my favorite thing ever and as old as can be! I have to kick it and leap around and sing rain dances for it to start, but it does and I grunt and gun the engine and I clatter away towards La Push.

On the way there I think of singing but no song comes to mind. I don't listen to music. Edward is my melody! Except that album Phil gave me. I take it out of the compartment thing and slip it in. It's a very helpful song, it goes like "Buy it, use it, break it, fix it, Trash it, change it, mail - upgrade it, Charge it, pawn it, zoom it, press it, Snap it, work it, quick - erase it," and I like it! Because it's full of passionate, darling little demands. Kind of like Edward! I breathe and think about doing what it's saying, but then decide against it. About halfway to La Push I start feeling bad. My eyebrows turn down a little at the ends just a small amount. Edward looked so sad when I requested permission! I have to stop the car and start breathing very loudly. I'm so stressed out. But I think of Jacob. And his abs. I punch the car to life and drive off. I'm really flying. I don't wave my arms or hoot. I sit perfectly still and blink. I enjoy myself though. Don't you get me wrong!

I get to La Push and park my truck in front of Billy Black's tiny disgusting shack. I spit on it before I run to the door to knock. On the way I fall three times, cutting myself up considerably. I'm so clumsy. It's so unappealing. I'm so insecure about it, as well as my body. I finally hobble to the door and knock-Wait! The mail truck! It comes around the corner and I walk crookedly over. "Do you have any mail for Bella Swan?" I ask awkwardly. The mailman hands me a package and zooms off. I rip it open and it's from Jacob! I think that's amusing. I sit on a bench and read.

Bella,

I don't know why you're making Charlie carry notes to Billy like we're in second grade- If I wanted to talk to you I would answer the

You made the choice here, okay? You can't have it both ways when

What part of 'mortal enemies' is too complicated for you to

Look I know I'm being a jerk, but there's just no way around

We can't be friends when you're spending all your time with a bunch of

It just makes it worse when I think about you too much, so don't write anymore

Yeah, I miss you, too. A lot. Doesn't change anything. Sorry.

Jacob 

I suck in a big gulp of breath, because I am hyper ventilating. Jacob doesn't like me anymore? Wait...what? Doesn't like me? Alice has told me 209387948 times that that is impossible, so I refuse to believe it no sir! I drive away but am more determined than ever to mend our broken friendship.

*****

I sit on the couch reading Romeo and Juliet with Edward. It's a beautiful story. I can relate so much. I've read it 7 times and can quote it all the time, I'm so literate.  
"This is stupid." Edward says.  
"You have some serious issues with the classics!" I huff cleverly. He pushes me to the other end of the couch and eats a grapefruit. I blink.  
"I am going to go make lasagna!" I rush into the kitchen. Edward is there waiting for me.  
"It's as if you think you can out run me." Edward rolls his eyes.  
"I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with you." I say and make lasagna.  
"And the lion shall lie down with the lamb." Edward says disgustedly.  
The next day is the first day of school! I'm not trying to impress anyone but Edward wants me to look nice in front of the other vampires so I wear a purple shirt that brings out my eyes. Edward picks me up (much to Charlie's completely unreasonable dismay) in his silver Volvo, so I arrive at school in style! I don't care though. I'd much rather sneak in in my hard-to-notice gas guzzling truck that takes up four spaces and was made in the 1900's. The stares I get as I stroll slow-motion like into school with Edward's arm around me are similar to the ones I got last year. I hate them so much. People care way too much about my vampire love bug boyfriend. I spot Mike Newton and quickly glance away because he's awkward and less appealing. Also Edward thinks he's a joke and I agree.  
Jasper and Alice skip up. Alice is my best girlfriend, since she is so complimentary and doesn't mind when I ditch her for Edward, and Jasper is charismatic and Texan. Their powers are easy to understand. Alice can see the future once what's going to happen has been decided. Jasper can feel the feelings in the room and alter them. Only in one room. It's so understandable that I feel like one of them!  
"Hey buddies!" I say, monotone.  
"Bella! Oh Bella! You look so striking today! And you smell so delectable!" Alice sings, dancing around us.  
"STEP OFF." says Edward.  
"I can feel that someone in this courtyard has to get to Calculus!" Jasper says anxiously, his little eyes kind of buggy. Alice and he skip off and it's just me and Edward again, alone in a courtyard full of people.  
Suddenly Mike Newton is there. I roll my eyes and close my mouth long enough to purse my lips in annoyance. He doesn't get the subtle hint and asks me to go with him to La Push this weekend for a party. Oh! Well that sounds interesting. I could ditch Mike Newton and have a chance to talk to my Jacob! How I miss him. He's so warm, whereas Edward is cold. Not saying I don't prefer cold over warm. There's nothing like waking up every morning with Edward's marble hand on my forehead making sure I don't have a fever. I pause for a second, open and close my mouth, then shake myself out of it.  
"We're going to Florida." Edward says and picks me up above his head and flies off.

*****

If you thought Edward could fly all the way to Florida, you're plum crazy! He just flies us to the airport where Carlisle is waiting with our luggage. Actually, all of the Cullens are hiding, jumping out to surprise us! Except Jasper, but he mysteriously isn't there whenever Carlisle is around.

"Oh jeez. Wow." I say, a faint blush rising to me cheeks from all the attention they are lavishing upon me.

"That blush is beautiful on your pale, (but not as pale as mine) skin." Edward murmurs lovingly. I touch his face.

"Get a room! You're so embarrassing!" Rosalie complains. I take my hand off Edwards face, obligingly. Rosalie is so beautiful, but harsh.

"Have fun Bella...but try not to trip." Carlisle chortles. "I brought these just in case..." He hands me a box filled with different size band aids.

"When you come back, we can have a sleepover!" Alice tries, hopefully. I ignore her, and burry my face is Edward's armpit, inhaling his mesmerizing scent. Aaaahhh.

"Bye, guys." Edward says, winking at his family. They all giggle suggestively. I don't understand, but I guffaw slowly anyways.

"ISABELLA SWAN!"

I groan as Charlie storms up, rifle in hand. "What, dad?"

"Did you think you could just go halfway across the state without my permission?" He rumbles.

"Yes...dad I'm eighteen." I try to soothe him, inwardly thinking of disturbing ways to dismember his body parts and grind them up, while saving the blood for dear old Edward to enjoy, while I almost smile on the side.

"Well...you're still under my roof, young lady! I forbid you from going off with That Boy to visit that harebrained, erratic mother of yours!" He growls.

"With all due respect, Charlie, we gave Edward permission to take her." Carlisle says smoothly. He smiles, showing his bright white, sparkling teeth. I'm dazzled. Charlie passes out. I've built up some kind of tolerance, so I'm not as badly affected. Still, my legs go weak and I wobble against Edward.

"Edward!"Alice trills, "I can see that you might possibly miss the plane if you don't go within the next two hours. It could change though."

"Edward," I murmur drowsily. "Can I get a supersized sandwich from the deli?"

"Are you kidding me? Do you know how many carbs are in those things?" He scoops me up, bids farewell to the Cullen, and zooms down to buy me a salad, dressing on the side, and no cheese or meat.

Florida is so much fun. I missed Renee so much. We walk around the beach continuously. Edward sparkles 24/7 here. It's tragicomic. Luckily he runs into the ocean, and the sparkles looks just like sweat and/or water droplets. So no one really notices.

One day, Edward drinks some bad alligator blood and doesn't feel too fine. So he stays home. I want to stay with him, but Renee drags me out to walk around the beach. I feel so unconsummated without Edward, but Renee busies me with her constant chattering. She is so loving.

"Edward is so hot, Belly!" She croons, jumping up and down nervously but happily.

"Yes, he is quite prepossessing," I agree.

"But...it's funny; he looks at you like he's so protective that he would throw himself in front of a bullet for you." She stops jumping, and frowns thoughtfully.

"Well, he's a very custodial being." I say, after a pause. She couldn't be catching on, could she?

"And you sort of gravitate around him. Like a planet." She muses.

"I hope like Neptune," I say. Neptune is my favorite planet. But it's a secret. I'm not supposed to like anything except Edward and reading Wuthering Heights.

Renee pulls me down to a sit on the beachy ground. "Bells, I have a question for you?" She asks, surprisingly serious. "Is this relationship...?" She trails of.

"Recapitulate," I say, politely.

"I mean...is Edward a vampire?" She asks.

I am stunned. My mouth opens slightly. I am at loss for words.

Luckily, Edward takes this moment to zoom down from the house and knock her over the head with an abnormally large crab. His eyes are dark.

"She is like a child, but with the wisdom of all the ages." He says.

I look down at my mother, still unconscious on the ground. "Thank you, Edward."

"She'll be okay in about one hour." He says dismissively. "She won't remember a thing that happened." He pulls me onto his back. "Come, my lamb. Let me get you back to the house. You can go to sleep and I can watch you nearby.

"Yay." I say in a monotone as he flies me back to the house. I'm so excited.


	3. On teasing werewolves and admiring vamps

**A/N: Special thanks to Cakeyy! Haha.**

I arrive home and Charlie expresses that he missed having me around, especially my superb cooking. He avoids mentioning the Carlisle incident and I snicker to myself. "And how is your mother?" He asks, shoveling down some pork rolls.

"She's as erratic and harebrained...as ever." I say. Charlie chuckles and I stare at the wall.

"Oh Jacob called while you were gone." he grunts. It's a pleased grunt though. "He called several times! It must have been a bad hit. You should call him back."

"Okay." I clear my plate, wash the rest of the dishes, yawn, and read a book. I feel so excited. I dial Jacob's number and lock myself in the bathroom so Charlie can't overhear me. God, he's so overbearing. I mean I'm eighteen. I'm an adult.

"Jacob!" I squeal when I hear his deep rusty man wolf voice.

"Bella?" He sounds surprised and I don't understand why so I keep talking.

"Jacob, Edward is here and he's coming to kill you because he hates you and he loves me!"

"WHAT?"

"Hehe, just kidding!"

"God, are you… did he... are you okay?"

I breathe and smack my lips. "Yes." I decide.

"Okay, bye."

He hangs up! I partially indignantly slam the phone into the hook and snail up to my room. It is moments later, when I'm looking up pictures of Edward Cullen on Google, that I theorize that Jacob thought that Edward had turned me into the vampire! How amusing!

"Hi Bella!" Alice plops down next to me at lunch and gives me an enthusiastic little hug. I nibble at an apple and watch her with my deer eyes. She doesn't have a lunch because vampires only eat blood. She's so beautiful and small, with her black pixie-hair-cut and perfect pale skin. I noisily eat my apple, fuming with jealousy, as she goes on with a one-sided conversation about what she's wearing to senior prom. I spot Edward and wave him over hurriedly. He comes and sits down next to me, enveloping me in amazing beauty. Rosalie and Emmett come next, their arms around each other. Emmet is huge and muscular and beautiful, but rarely around. Also there's something about him that is kind of transparent. I don't mention it though because Emmett is threatening and booming, but nice. Rosalie is classically gorgeous, with long blond hair and giraffe eyes, plus she's tall and lovely but mean to me! I still don't understand why she has so much repugnance for me, and it makes the ends of my eyebrows turn down. Next is Jasper, who's twitchy, blond, and bug-eyed. He hobbles up and sits down next to Alice and eats a pudding. I reach my spoon over to try a bite. Jasper protectively bats my grabby hands away.

"That's blood, Bella." Edward says, bored.

"Oh. Well, you know that it's okay. When I become a vampire the five of us will be eating blood all the time together! Right guys?" I chuckle. They all stare at me.

"Well of course!" Alice puts in, nudging Jasper. He coughs and adjusts his cowboy hat and bandanna. "I feel like everyone in this room thinks that's a wonderful plan."

I grin because speaking of becoming a vampire makes me emotional. Edward takes my face in his hands and I touch his hair. Love.

SUDDENLY OUT OF THE BLUE…there is Jacob!

"Jacob! What a surprise." I gasp, blinking. The vampires all tense up. Edward looks uncomfortable but it doesn't register in me as I leap up into Jacob's arms.

"Bella, I've come strictly on business." He roars softly.

"It better be." Edward growls protectively. I climb out of Jacob's arms and scold him.

"Jacob, remember. We can only be friends."

He cries into his hands "No no no no no no no!" Then he quickly regains himself. "I've come about Bella's safety in Forks. I don't think it exists."

"Shut up." Edward says majestically.

"What?" I blink, but I feel very calm. It's that Jasper again! I almost-glare at him and he looks embarrassed before burrowing his face into the pudding-blood.

"Bella, I guess you should know our true motives for taking you to Florida." Alice murmurs.

"Yes! Tell her! How dare you keep her in the dark about her own life?" Jacob growls.

"No, she doesn't need to know. I thought she needed to see her mom, that's what happened. She needed to see Renee and there are no hidden motives so don't come in here and ruin the carefully constructed lie!" Edward shakes, shimmering.

"Edward. Tell me the truth." I whisper softly, touching his hair. He huffs.

"Victoria is back."

I gasp and fall on my face. I'm so clumsy. I get up very red-faced. Jacob and Edward both scoff. I'm left stunned and frightened.

During Biology, as I am speedily identifying potatoes and glasses of water, I feel a little poking on my elbow. I look over and see that Edward is sending tiny little paper airplanes through the air towards me. "Yes, Eddy?" I ask lovingly. He makes a motion suggesting that I open the airplane. I do. It says, _"eeee. whatcha think of the news?"_

_-i think that it's a scarreee story, Edward. I write back._

_-you should be scared all the time, you know. when you're around me, I am the biggest threat of all, bella swan. _

_-don't talk about yourself that way._

_-but i'm a monster. i am. don't look at me. _

He buries his face in his hands and when I try to poke him back into a sitting position, he pins me against the wall with a marble fist. I kiss and caress this fist as I scribble another note.

-_edward, you can't keep this kinda thing from me again. it's not completely okay._

He nods gravely. _"k."_ he writes. But we're behind on Biology! We've moved on to peppers and dogs. "That's a dog." I say smartly, pointing at the canine. "I was waiting for you to say that." Edward says quickly. "Okay." I say. "I hate you." He murmurs. "And that's a pepper."

It was a bad week. It was bad because, as I watched my boring human associates go about their lives, I realized that they had no idea what type of mortal danger I was in. Why, they probably wouldn't even care if they did!

I zone out in class all the time, because I already know everything anyways. What's-her-face will try to make conversation with me sometimes, but I just pretend like I'm listening. Really, I'm daydreaming about swimming across the Atlantic Ocean with Edward, and drinking whale blood and riding on the backs of dolphins, while watching the moon and touching faces. Maybe even holding hands!

Today, I'm waiting outside my class for Edward to walk me to his car. We are going to his house. I don't have to wait long-there he is, walking in slow-motion towards me. The hall parts like the Red Sea.

"Hello, stranger," I say.

"Human," He greets, touching my shoulder romantically. I breathe.

He continues. "This weekend, I'm going hunting with Emmett. Not Jasper, because the History Channel is having a Civil War Weekend, and he's having a marathon with Esme. You know how he gets with that sort of thing."

I nod, signifying that, yes; I do be au fait with the situation.

"So I'm leaving Alice to guard you." He says.

I'm not feeling too bad because, while Alice alone is annoying, Alice with Jasper is not so much, because then she'd spend less time with me and more fixing his bandana. Then I selflessly realize something! "Edward...you and Emmett makes two!" I gasp.

His brow furrows. "What are you getting at, Bug Eyes?"

"Well, Victoria is out there!" I whine, magnanimously. "She could hurt you."

Edward throws back his head and giggles. I purse my plump shell colored lips-they're so ugly.

"Oh, Bella, you're so...human." He says, "With your worrying about your vampire fiancé so much!"

"Vampire what?" I ask.

"Well we'll talk about that later." He says.

"But," I begin, rebelliously.

"Later." He says, commandingly, giving me a little eyed scowl.

I shut up. Edward is boss.

The rest of the car ride is in silence. When we get to the house Edward carries me in like a bride. The word "bride" makes me want to regurgitate.

The Cullens are sitting around their living room doing nothing except staring at the door, waiting for us to come in. Rosalie keeps trying to pull Emmett away, saying, "Want to do something?" But he says no, he'd much rather do nothing until Bella and Edward return home. My heart surges with love for my soon to be brother. We enter the room and Edward puts me down. I smile tentatively.

"Bella!" Esme cheers, zooming over to try to shove homemade cookies down my throat.

"Bella!" Carlisle says, looking relieved and doctor-like, before leaving the room.

"Bella!" Alice trills, dancing across the area.

"Bella!" Emmett booms, shaking the house.

It's silent. Everyone looks expectantly at Rosalie. She crosses her arms and glares at me. "Bitch."

There is an awkward silence. Then, Jasper luckily crawls in. "I could feel that Bella was here." He says, bugging his eyes out and chewing on his fists. He crawls out. Carlisle comes back in a moment later.

"Ok now that everyone except Jasper is here, I just want to say that I'm concerned." I say importantly as well as humbly. Edward pulls me down on to the couch and onto his lap.

"But why, Bella?" Esme asks worriedly, as the Cullens sit in a bunch around my feet, staring up at me with matching giraffe eyes.

"I'm just so worried about Victoria. She could hurt you guys." I say honestly.

They throw back their heads and laugh. "What?" I yell, insulted.

"There are seven of us, Bella, and one of her! We can take her down." Carlisle says, intelligently.

"I'm really glad Edward didn't kill you. You're so funny, Bella." Emmett booms.

I blush. I feel affectionate towards Emmett again. But...why? Edward is the only one I care about! I imagine his cold, stone, round belly. Not that I've ever seen it. Well, I actually have, in the meadow when he unbuttoned his shirt. Ooh.

"But Edward and Emmett alone aren't safe." I begin.

"Oh, Bella, they're incredible fighter beasts. It's probably safer with them anyways!" Alice sings, brightly, twirling into a pole.

"Oh, phone!" Carlisle says, imagining the ringing of a telephone, I guess. He runs out. Jasper crawls back in, nervously.

"I can feel that it is safer to go with them." He snivels. "Sorry Esme." He apologizes. She looks motherly and pats his poufy head.

"Yay now I have Bella all to myself!" Alice woots, while running up and down the walls.

"Boo." I say flatly.

"Hush, love." Edward murmurs.

I hush.

**Hu-hu-hu-huuuussshh.**


	4. On Imprints and Time Well Spent

**[A/N: Hello. I saw a tree today.]**

"I hate this!" I say. "Gronkaroo!" I am sitting on Alice's couch with my hands folded half-angrily.

"Oh silly Belly. It's only for the weekend!" Alice trills.

I ignore her and eat some Chocolate Puffs. Then throw them at her. She blinks and grins and twirls about like a fairy princess.

When I can't take it, I go to work at the Newtons' sports shop. It's crazy because I hate sports! I mostly just like leading Mike on. I am stacking visors that remind me of dear Edward's little hot potato hat, when Mrs. Newton comes up and tells me they don't actually need me to work today and ushers me out the door. "Okay." I say and turn automatically in the direction of the Cullen's woodsy house. But there on the window of the sport's shop is a poster! It says, "Save the Olympic wolf bitchez and bloodsuckaz!". I immediately think Jacob which is odd because I usually think of Edward whenever I see anything. I suddenly want to see dear Jake! I leap klutzily into my truck and drive off in the direction of La Push beach…

When I arrive, I knock on the door before I can lose my stringy wavering confidence. Jacob answers. I get woozy trying to see every inch of his once-scrawny-now-HUGE and amazing body. "Jacob." I murmur.

"I'm so glad to see you here, Bella!" He grins and runs around really fast before doing a cartwheel. I feel like I used to with Jacob. Last year, when Edward left and I tried to kill myself and then he found me and then we fixed up motorcycles, we were friends! What a nice time. I do emotionless jazz hands. That's how carefree I feel.

"How have things been, Jake." I inquire.

"Okay...Bella why are we no longer friends?" he asks, his puppy eyes widening.

I am dismayed that the conversation has moved on that quickly. "Well. Edward just-"

"I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM!" Jacob stops walking and jumps up and down angrily.

"Why?" I cry. I fall and break open my head. Jacob moans and carries me to a big piece of driftwood and lays me down. I blink blearily up at him and imagine that he is my boyfriend. I start drooling and he coughs awkwardly. It's attractive. That's a forbidden thought though, so I hit my head with a rock until Jacob slaps it out of my hands. I grapple for it but give up. Jacob runs around uncomfortably, then comes back and bites his lip.

"YEARS AGO IN A FAAAAR AWAY LAND...we ffooounndd that Cuuulleennns, hunting on our land!" Jacob starts to sing. I shush him because I've heard this story before.

I explain to him what happened in Italy. Jake in return tells me what happened while I was away! The wolf pack came across a Victoria smell. Minor interactions happened between Emmet and Paul when the two different things ran into each other (both following the scent.) Agreeing it was that the priority was always Bella, they followed it together. Unfortunately Victoria zipped off into the water and the Cullens weren't allowed past the boundary line.

"Aww you genial persons." I say, thinking of my soon to be family, eyes blinking more rapidly.

"Jeez. You never have emotion about me." Jacob whines. I blink at him, my mouth hanging open. He sighs and keeps going. (Something about how if I'd never jumped off the cliff we'd be hanging out at the ole garage). I stick out my tongue. I make a little "bleh" sound.

"You know, Sam's a little mad at you." Jacob giggles mischievously.

"What? Why?" I am dumbfounded.

"Well, he thinks you should hate the Cullens too after all they did to you."

"Nonononononononono." I trill, Alice-like. I interpretive dance around and explain why the Cullens are not to blame. It's me. They are perfect. I am a pathetic mortal little thing and if I hadn't existed everyone would be at peace. I'm so clumsy and ugly and deer-eyed.

"Yeah, that's true." Jacob reasons. "But Bella? Why do you love him? Really?" He looks a little desperate.

"Well it's mostly looks and money." I say.

"WHAT? Looks and money? I'm...I'm hurt!" Jacob cries, his wagging tail beating to an abrupt stop.

"What are you talking about? Shut up you dog. I love Edward because he is passionate and wonderful and understanding and awesome and he is literate and likes talking about how exceptional I am. If I had to pick someone within my own species I'd be stuck with MIKE NEWTON BLAAAAH because you aren't my species either!" He sticks out his lower lip and I pump my fists. "You're a werewolf! A werewolf! A werewolf!"

"No!" he cries again. Suddenly he grabs my hand and I make a meager attempt at escape, but I'm so weak and clumsy and unappealing I get nowhere. He places my hand on his heart so I can feel the heartbeat. I suddenly understand that he is in a lot of pain because of its rapid beats. I'm the light/angel/love/melody of his life, even if he's not mine, and I have been treating him almost badly. My anger subsides. I lie back down on the stick and marvel at the amount of emotion I just experienced.

There is a gauche silence. I ponder conversation starters. Let's see...Wuthering Heights? No, Jacob doesn't read. The rain? Nah, I hate it and Jacob loves it. That would just start an argument. America's Got Talent? Well they don't have aught on the talent of Edward...of Edward...wait, JACOB.

"How's Quil?" I blurt out. Yesssss.

"Quil's a werewolf." Jake says equally quickly and awkwardly. We chuckle with each other, and suddenly everything's okay. Yay!

"How's that treating him?" I question.

"Well, he's really happy. But I'm not. Neither is Sam."

"Why?" I ask, blankly.

"I'm such a crybaby." He blubbers.

"Tell me Sam's story." I say commandingly.

"Well, Sam changed first. He was a scared little mess until an elder talked to him. He was the oldest and we were too young so the rest of us would change later! So he waited...and waited...and waited...and then-boom! Sam fell in love! With-,"

"Emily," I finish intelligently.

"No. Leah Clearwater. She was, like 12, and he was 21."

"Eww." I squeal expressionlessly, scrunching my eyebrows a little. "That's a disgruntling age difference. He was too old for her."

Jacob says "hypocrite" under his breath. I don't really understand why.

"Really, she was like a freshman and he was a senior. Same difference."

"Well, okay." I say.

"But this is where it gets good," Jacob says, his black eyes lighting up like a puppy that has spotted a morsel of food. "See, they were going to get married! Leah's cousin Emily came to town. She was going to be the bridesmaid...and then...Sam saw Emily."

He pulls out a gong from behind his back and lets out one long drone, before humming the Jaws theme song. Then he goes quiet.

"Yes?" I press.

"Was that dramatic enough? I mean, I didn't want to be too over the top but-,"

"Jacob, I'll kiss you if you finish the story." I say.

"Ok!" He beams. "Anyways, Sam imprinted on Emily."

I giggle. "Imprint."

"What? No, imprinting isn't sexual at all. It's like soul mates. Okay so they got together. They ignored Leah's pain that her fiance dumped her for her cousin who was like her sister. Now he has to see her angry looks every day. The end. Now, give me a kiss."

"No," I say.

"But you said-"

"I was joking. Haha, joke? You know a caper? How do you imprint?"

"It's really simple, Bella." He says, annoyed.

"Then tell me? What does imprint really mean?" I ask with a hint of curiosity.

"Well it..." He trails off. Then he looks frustrated. "Imprinting means you...hold on let me think of how to explain this..."

5 minutes pass. Then 10...Then 25...Then 50...and after one whole hour passes of Jacob pondering the meaning of imprint, he gives up. I guess we'll never know what imprinting really means.

"Well, I think the whole thing sucks!" I say, with feeling. "I think that Sam is a jerk for doing that to poor Leah. I think that Emily is a bitch for going along with it! No wonder the poor girl is so angry all the time! I think if I were her, I'd have Sam run into my knife...I'd have him run into my knife ten times! Then I'd sing the cell block tango with other women whose men did them wrong! Leah is so much better off without that ^%$^$%#! in her life!"

Just joking. I actually just say, "Why doesn't Leah go jump off a cliff or something? There's a problem solver."

Jacob gives me a glare.

"Just kidding! Have you found your imprint?"

"No! God! Just Sam and Jarad."

For some strange reason, I'm relieved.

"Why are you and Edward so uncouth around each other?" I ask.

"I'm in love with you." Jacob says simply.

"You're so MEAN! You ruin everything." I whine, and run away, tripping on my legs.

"I beg you to stay!" Jacob screams after me.

"Next time you leave, I'll come back!" I caterwaul back, unsure what I meant by that.

I miss Edward. He's scrumptious.

**[Do you like avocados?]**


End file.
